You wake up in bed alone for the first time in months, perhaps years. What happened to the warm body that you have been snuggled against all this time? As you stagger out of bed you remember the events of last night.
The pain is intense, all-consuming. You find yourself very sad, with no appetite or binge eating.
The questions you ask yourself include; what started the fight, when did it get out of control, and is it really over? You will also find yourself asking, what do I do now?
Here are a few tips.
Distance Yourself
Start by putting some distance between yourself and your ex, what
you need to do now is distance yourself emotionally from the breakup. I do not mean to stop caring about your ex or the reasons for the breakup, but take a few deep breaths and calm down. Think logically and rationally about the reasons for the breakup.
What Was The Fight Or Break Up About?
Try to remember what started the fights that lead to the breakup. Was the original disagreement something minor or was it a major issue? What made the fight spiral out of control? Did these factors play a role?
• Cheating
• Lying
• Minor Issues That Spiraled Out Of Control
• Not Enough Quality Time
• Fighting All The Time
• Not Enough Or Poor Sex
Can The Issues Be Resolved?
When thinking about the issues that lead to the fight or the breakup, ask yourself; can these issues be resolved. Are you willing to compromise on, or do you think your ex will be willing to compromise on these issues once they have calmed down?
If the issue cannot be resolved, is it an issue you can remain in disagreement over? Most fights are about minor issues, and if an agreement cannot be reached, they can be avoided.
Do You Want Your Ex Back?
This is probably the most important question you will ask yourself! Do you really want your ex back? You must be 100% positive that you wish to be back together with your ex or no matter what you do, it will not work.
Putting a relationship back together takes a great deal of effort and work, make sure you really want it before you begin the process. If the reconciliation process is begun and aborted halfway through the process, it will create even more volatile feelings on both sides.
Take your time answering all of these very important questions. Remember, you need to take a period of time (35 days are recommended) apart from your ex before trying to get back together.
If the issue cannot be resolved or ignored, or you are not 100% certain you want your ex back, stop here and move on with your life!
Love Yourself
During your time apart from your ex, be good to yourself! Do not allow self-pity and/or depression to set in, go out and meet friends, get your hair done, or go shopping. Do something that is completely selfish and only for YOU!
By loving yourself and being good to yourself during this time, you will increase your self-confidence levels, and this will make your ex want to be with you even more.
After you take some time to yourself, you may want to contact your Ex or accept your ex’s invitation for your first meeting.
The First Meeting After The Break-Up
During the first post-breakup meeting with your ex, there are a few very important facts to remember:
• Neutral location
• Be confident and self-assured
• Maintain eye contact
• Remain calm and aloof
• Listen
• Keep it short
• Stay in control of the meeting
Hold the first meeting in a non-threatening, neutral location or setting, such as a public coffee house or deli.
Be confident and self-assured during the meeting and make your ex think the meeting outcome is not that important.
Maintain eye contact with your ex during the meeting, this lets them know you still, care but are not intimidated.
Remain calm and aloof during the first meeting and do not let emotions rule you or the meeting.
Listen to your ex, without interruptions, you may not agree with their side of things but you need to make them feel that their side matters.
Keep the meeting short, leave your ex feeling that things are not complete and closed with the relationship yet.
Stay in control of the meeting, do not let emotions or your ex, and take charge.
Signs To Watch For
You will want to watch for the following signs during the first meeting that your ex also wants you back. It is important that both of you to want to be together:
Your ex:
• Enjoys your company
• Has told you they are not in another serious relationship
• Has lost weight, or dressed to impress you
• Initiates a second meeting with you
• Talks to you about serious subjects
These are all signs that your ex wants to get back together with you, there is hope!
Once it has been established that you both want to work things out, more meetings can be arranged.
If you want to ensure the success of these meetings you must follow these do and don’t guidelines.
1. No sex – absolutely do NOT have sex with your ex until it has been established formally that you are back together for the long term!
2. Go on dates – have your meetings in public places, the movies, restaurants, public parks. Avoid situations where you will be totally secluded. Treat each meeting like a first date; get to know each other again.
3. Take it slow – take things slow, do NOT rush your relationship. You both need time to get past the issues and fights that lead to the initial break-up.
4. Make each meeting slightly more intimate – slowly increase the intimacy of each meeting, go from coffee to lunch, to supper to the movies.
5. Do not promise things that cannot be delivered – VERY IMPORTANT – For a lasting relationship, you must not make any promises you will not be able to keep. Trust is one of the most important factors in any relationship.
Your Future Together:
The first and most important step in creating a future relationship with your ex is to let go of the past!
Resolve all issues you have had in the past and both agree to move on and NOT MENTION THEM AGAIN! This is very important, especially in instances where one or both sides have done or said things they did not mean in the “heat of the moment”.
Spend as much “quality time” together as possible. Quality time is time spent alone, actually talking to each other or relating to each other directly in some other way. Yes we are talking about sex here, sex can be an ultimate quality time if both partners take the time to talk to and listen to each other.
Agree TO Disagree
In every relationship, there are going to be disagreements! You and your partner must agree to disagree about some things. Either agree to discuss issues you disagree about without getting emotional and having it turn into a fight, or agree on what topics and issues you will avoid discussing.
Avoid The Fights
In your future relationship, avoid the type of fights that lead to the breakup. Avoid the subject, or if that fails, remain calm and logical during the discussion. When emotions are out of control, a disagreement over trivial matters can lead to a full-blown fight.
80% of all breakups are not about any specific issue, but only happen because emotions have spiraled out of control and things have been said in the “heat of anger”.
No matter what the initial issue or fight was that lead to the breakup, most relationships can be saved. As long as BOTH partners want to save it. Even issues that seem to be all-important can be resolved if you both work towards that goal.
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